I have not felt very well in the past few days and as such have done a lot of dozing on the sofa. I have also been doing a lot of thinking, and have decided that it might be a good time for me to atone for some of the transgressions done over the past 19 years.
I am sorry for pooing on the tree skirt when Softie brought me home for the first time, many years ago. In my defense, I honestly did not know any better.
I am sorry for climbing that big tree in the back garden of my old house. Oh I was young and thought I knew it all, but in all honesty I had no idea until I was way up in the top of the tree that I did not know how to climb back down. The tree was very big, and Softie stood beneath looking very small. Way into the night she stood under the tree, her soothing voice trying to comfort a crying, frightened kitty. Eventually I summoned the nerve to work my way down, little by little. Softie held out her arms and I leapt into them, and she carried me into the safety of the house.
I admit that I am really not very sorry for chewing a 14kt gold rope chain necklace in half. The necklace was a gift from Softie to a friend, and that friend had the audacity to wiggle the chain in front of me, and laughed with delight when I batted it around. As far as I was concerned, it was a nice, shiny plaything, so it serves him right for leaving it lying, unattended, on the coffee table in the lounge. When the two of them came home from a concert later that night, I had already done the damage. Oh but what a time I had chasing it across the shiny surface of the table, and gnawing it in half when I caught it!
I am sorry for shredding the wicker laundry hamper, but really, Softie needed to get a new one anyway because that one was UGLY. I only helped her along in the decision to do away with the ratty old thing.
I am sorry for poking all those holes in the waterbed when I was a kitten. The lure of her bare toes poking out from under the blanket was simply too tempting. I had to attack them, and the waterbed mattress was simply a casualty of those varied assaults. Each midnight attack resulted in morning repairs. Eventually she was persuaded to get rid of the waterbed in exchange for a proper mattress. I am pleased to have helped her with that decision.
I am sorry for pooing inside her favorite slippers one morning. She had laughed at me for some inconsequential thing, but I was in a foul mood that morning and took offense, so while she busied herself fixing my breakfast in the kitchen, I stalked off to the bedroom and had myself a nice, steaming poo right inside those suede slippers! I felt vindicated at the time, but now I feel rather ashamed of myself. With age comes wisdom.
And speaking of pooing, I am sorry for all those times the British One has had to clean up my accidents over the past few years. I know he has not liked cleaning up after me, and I am truly sorry for all those times I could not, or did not, make it to my box.
I am sorry for dunking my head into that glass of milk after having my teeth cleaned. In my defense, I was still fairly woozy from the anesthesia and my behavior could be excused. My humans laughed and laughed, and they did excuse the behavior. I will now admit to being well aware of my actions. I just wanted to do it, because it looked delicious and inviting.
I am sorry for destroying the spider plant that hung in the spare bedroom. Softie thought it was out of my reach, but NOTHING was out of my reach if I wanted to get to it. The spider plant taunted me every time I walked past the doorway, and eventually I could take no more abuse from the pestering, teasing thing. I must say, it was delicious and I thoroughly enjoyed rolling in the dirt that spilled onto the hardwood floor.
I am sorry for all the times I escaped from the house to dash across the back garden and roll in the fresh catnip which Softie planted around the garden shed. Wait a minute. No I'm not.
I am sorry for being jealous of the British One when he first entered our lives. I felt threatened by him, selfishly wanting to keep Softie all to myself. I had, after all, successfully chased away other suitors, and I tried to do the same to him. To his credit, he persevered and I have come to love him as much, maybe even more than, Softie. He has a great lap and always has time for me.
I am sorry for making my humans feel guilty whenever it was time to visit the vet. It took many years for me to realize that no amount of crying, struggling and fighting was going to change the situation. I am glad I learned how to become Zen Kitty during the journeys in the metal monster.
Most of all, I am sorry that I am no longer able to comfort my humans when they cry.