Monday, January 31, 2005


Everytime the door opens I know about it. Everytime the door opens I leg it as fast as I can inside. The British One and Softie are just going to have to get used to the idea that any time the door to the Magic Portal is opened, I will be right there under their feet.

The reason they do not want me inside the Magic Portal is simple. They don't like it when I have any fun. They don't want to stimulate my senses with new and interesting places.

Too late.

Now that I know the secret to the Magic Portal, I shall trot myself down the stairs every chance I get. Normally when I get down the stairs the first place I want to go is the far room. It's where the washer and dryer are. I say "hello" to them and then walk the perimeter of the room, pausing to sniff the table saw (which smells like the barn I knew as a tiny kitten) and the workbench along the back wall. The workbench used to be in the garage at my old house, now it is inside the Magic Portal.

After I've made my rounds in the far room, I like to check out the main room. It's got lots of boxes lined up along one wall, and a long row of shelving along the other. There is a boiler in this room as well, but I tend to stay away from it. By the time I've finished checking this room it's time to go back into the far room and say "hello" to the washer and dryer again.

I did this several times over the weekend. Softie was doing some laundry and each time she made a trip downstairs, I slipped down with her. I just wish I could get down there without her or the British One supervising my every move!

I think the stairs going back up to the main floor are a little bit difficult to maneuver, but if either Softie or the British One suspects that I struggle with the stairs I fear they would not let me venture back inside the Magic Portal ever again. So I keep up appearances as best I can. I climb back up the stairs and have a quick bite to eat, then relax in the Poang to rest my weary legs.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The Magic Portal Revealed!

Well, well, well. I am a very clever kittyboy. I have discovered the secret of the Magic Portal.

It’s something called a “basement.”

The British One was cleaning out my box today and I noticed that he had accidentally left open the door to the Magic Portal. While he had his back turned I quietly slipped inside to have a look around. He and Softie are not very bright, because they had put the dreaded vacuum cleaner inside the door of the Magic Portal, no doubt thinking it would keep me well away. It didn’t. Silly humans, don’t they know that the only time I dislike the vacuum cleaner is when it is being noisy?

Anyway, I got inside the Magic Portal and discovered a set of steps going down into the ground. I followed them and found another entire floor underneath the two I already knew about. This floor is under the ground and is very large. I found the washer and dryer (I was wondering where they had gone to), another bathroom, lots of boxes and lots of tools. There were all sorts of lovely nooks to explore and loads of places to hide. A kitty paradise!

Unfortunately it was over all too quickly. The British One discovered his mistake and came to fetch me. Darn it! I’m miffed that the pair of them has kept this glorious place secret.

I must go back inside the Magic Portal again.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Magic Portal Mystery

There is a Magic Portal in my new house. I’m not too sure of how it works, but I know it is off limits to me. Naturally, anything off limits to me drives me nuts. I MUST gain access to the Magic Portal!

The door is in the kitchen, near my placemat and dishes. I’ve been able to steal a quick peek inside, but there wasn’t enough time to have a good look. Here’s what I know about the Magic Portal:

1. It is off limits to me
2. The British One uses it a lot to disappear for hours at a time
3. When the British One disappears, I hear things banging around under the floor
4. The British One can reappear out of nowhere
5. The Magic Portal looks a bit like a hallway with doors at either end.

As I was eating this morning, I saw the British One go into the Magic Portal in the kitchen. I was finishing up my breakfast when the British One reappeared out of thin air. He walked into the kitchen from a different door—not the Magic Portal. How did he do that?

Another time I saw the British One outside in the back garden. He went inside some doors in the ground and then the next thing I knew he was walking through the Magic Portal into the kitchen.

I’ve GOT to find out more about this Magic Portal. I wish just once the two of them would forget to close the door so that I could have a stroll inside.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005


Earlier this evening Softie sat in the office staring at the glowing box, crying. She saw me sitting in the hallway, eyeing her, and realized that she hadn't fed me. She asked if I was hungry and I told her "yes, of course!"

She went downstairs to fix more delicious diced chicken from the big cold foodbox and I decided to have a quick peek at the glowing box to see why she had been crying.

Softie used to work for a great independent radio station called WOXY. Every Saturday morning she would wake up VERY early in the morning and drive the metal monster to the radio station. I would see her off, sitting in the front window until her tail lights faded away, then go back to the bedroom to wait for the British One to wake up. He'd get up a little later, turn on the radio and we'd listen to Softie together.

I loved lounging in the Poang, listening to her. She played a lot of good music and every so often, she would dedicate a song to me. It made me very happy to hear my name coming out of that funny little radio.

I discovered that what Softie had been looking at was a video clip that her friend the Music Director sent to her. It was a video of the station being razed to the ground by a bulldozer.

I wonder if that is what will happen to our old house?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Does My Tail Look Big in This?

After seventeen years, I think I have finally got Softie and the British One trained.

For the past week, I’ve feasted on succulent, hot, diced chicken from the big, cold food box. Normally the pair of them alternate the diced chicken with tins of food, but suddenly last week they wised up and started serving me diced chicken for each meal. It’s about time!

I gobble up every delicious morsel and then a few hours later, if I am clever enough to successfully mind-meld with one of them, they give it to me again. I’ve got the British One so wrapped around my paw that he fixes up an extra serving for me for lunch! Three portions of delicious chicken a day! I am finally eating like the royalty I am.

Softie picked me up last night and commented that I was “finally starting to fatten up.” For a long time she’s told me I am too skinny and boney. I heard her tell the British One that she couldn’t feel my boney spine anymore and that I look healthier and better.

I’d have fattened up a lot sooner if those two goofs would have been feeding me diced chicken for every meal!

I’ve only been trying to tell them for the last seventeen years…

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I'm Gaining Weight!

I think I am gaining weight. The British One and Softie continue to ply me with delicious diced chicken and I continue to gobble it up.

Last night I was attacked with the scissors again, but Softie gave me a good brushing in the process so it was okay.

I'm a very handsome boy!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Another Day, Another Vet Visit

I should have known something was up. Softie didn't leave early this morning and the British One stayed in bed with her. Then they didn't get up and feed me at my normal time.

I should have known.

Later in the morning the British One appeared with the dreaded Pet Taxi, and Softie, who had been carrying me around, stuffed me inside. I cried a little bit just to let them know I wasn't happy. I whimpered to register my complaint. They took no notice. Into the metal monster we went, with the British One driving and the Taxi sitting on Softie's lap.

I surprised myself though. I didn't drool and pant like I have done in the past. I told myself I could handle the ride, and I did! I became Zen-Kitty.

Presently we arrived at Dr.K's office, where a horrible Pekingese yapped at me and made a nuisance of himself. He growled and snarled at everyone in the room, and as I was the only cat in a roomful of humans with dogs, he focused much of his bile and hatred at me. I couldn't help but tease him by sticking my paw outside the Taxi and waving to him. Made him go mental!

Dr.K specializes in animal eyes. He put drops in my eyes and poked around at them, which I didn't like and let him know about it with a couple of swipes of the claw. Softie had to hold me back, because I really wanted to tear into him. He recommended MORE drops for me. The bad, evil man!

The humans actually AGREED with Dr.K about a return visit next month. They think I don't understand what they say, but I certainly do. And I know they have scheduled another appointment with this horrible vet.

I'm starting to sharpen my claws anticipation.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Happy Mew Year!

Softie and the British One invited a few friends over to celebrate something called New Years Eve. I was quite pleased to find it a low-key event, and decided early on that their friend Lauren would have the best lap (which she did). I sensed that she loves kitties very much, and to my delight she told me that my friend the Baron Von Stinkerton lives with her.

At midnight there was a lot of ruckus in my new neighborhood. People were running around on their front lawns and into the street, yelling and banging on pots and pans. Some of the children blew whistles and had noisemakers. There were fireworks. It frightened me somewhat, but the night was so mild that Softie picked me up and took me outside for a little bit. I'm glad too, because it's been a long time since I got to go outside. I miss my old house where I could go out onto the deck as I pleased.

For New Year's Day I got a most delicious feast of diced chicken made in the beeping box, so it was nice and hot. Softie and the British One always make sure the chicken has cooled down enough for me, and they even cut it into tiny little bites because sometimes my teeth give me a bit of trouble. I don't want them to know my teeth give me trouble though, because last time I had to go to a dentist it was just aweful. I fell asleep and woke up with a very sore mouth and staggered around all evening. It was like I'd had that kitty valium or something.

So anyway I'm trying to keep my sore tooth on the down-low but am ever so grateful that they chop the chicken up into tiny bite-sized morsels.

I hope Softie sits on the sofa today and reads me some Krazy Kat comics. It would be a perfect start to this new year business.